My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
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“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
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Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office