[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
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High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
‘I know a black person’
– White people
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”