[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
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[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies