One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
You Might Also Like
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
A customer told me they were never coming back….
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
That’s classic.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.