1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
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My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.