[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
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All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.