This makes total sense…
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Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
cats when you pet them too long:
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes