[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
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I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
choose your fighter
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while