I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
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To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.