ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
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“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.