Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
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(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.