Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
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purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*