Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
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4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
an airline just for babies.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
happy mother’s day❤️
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.