Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
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Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
Remember folks 😂
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything