I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
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Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends