I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
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Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
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