Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
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me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
*jazz hands*
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good