Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
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How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.