Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
You Might Also Like
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
my proudest tweet
Friday night party time 🥳
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.