There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
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scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5