If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
You Might Also Like
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
PER MY LAST EMAIL
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start