Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
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imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
when someone compliments me
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.