Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
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The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me: