[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
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“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*