Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
You Might Also Like
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.