Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
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Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?