starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
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People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants鈥re you okay?
Love thy neighbor’s dog
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
This will never not be funny 馃槶
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he鈥檚 not on the menu
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
[Review]
Boss: We鈥檒l be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card鈥檚 still cool.
B: Sorry again, It鈥檚 the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I鈥檓 a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
DATE鈥橲 FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don鈥檛 think you underst-
ME: Launch馃憦pad馃憦Mc馃憦Quack馃憦
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!