*orders delivery*
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Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
It’s an epidemic…
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.