Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
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You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.