GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
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Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 馃憤
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.