My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
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Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
turning my gender off to conserve energy
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.