Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
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Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.