Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
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[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
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It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.