lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
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I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point