I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
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“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Customer is always right
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
I get distracted pretty eas
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.