Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
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More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Cannot stop laughing at this
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.