Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
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*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Covid like
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it