lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
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Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle