People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
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Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.