Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
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Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.