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[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.