what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
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There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”