The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
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What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment