I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
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@funTweeters
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.