me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
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Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
🙀🙀🙀😹
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
What’s this sorcery? 😂
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.