Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
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[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.