I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
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the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?