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that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
This is a true ally.
Hmmmmm
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.