He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
You Might Also Like
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
Put this video in the Louvre
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER