Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
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Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Try and stop me.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.